I looked in the city. I looked at home
Nothing of her in my memories
Nothing of her in my thoughts
I looked for her in my reveries.
Not a trace of her in my poems
There weren’t any photos of her
I didn’t know how to find someone
Who as though never existed?
I kept searching for her traces.
I kept searching for places I might have lost
That girl who I had lived with
Wherever her slightest hint was embossed.
“Who are you searching for, lady
Is she your long-lost friend? “
“Oh no, seems like she might have been her sister.”
“Or maybe she was a distant family descend.”
I looked into the mirror.
Finally hopelessly retired
I couldn’t find her anywhere
Extinguishing that last taper desire.
Fogged with tears, my eyes didn’t move
I stood there staring at where she stood
“You have me and will always have,
Whenever you want, you would. “
“But you were gone for so long
Without telling me why.
All you did was leave.
Leaving me behind to regret and cry. “
“You were so distant
That I had to leave
Your ways were changing
Against me.
“Against us should I say
For we aren’t apart
Do not shed another tear
Do not break your heart.
“I cannot stay any longer than this
For now, you are mature and old
The world doesn’t insist on me
You are now theirs to mould.
“Stop searching for me, for you shall not find
The world will pierce with wealth your dreamy eyes.
Do not love me now, for you would not later
Your heart will desire fame and greater
Do not shed tears or sob
You will beg for every breath, every drop
Do not embrace yourself that you are in pain
The world’s ways are cruel; brace yourself
Do not… “
“Stop, stop saying things harsh and cruel
You know I am nothing you said.
Do not think of me as changing
For I will rather choose myself dead.
“Who are you to accuse me of things so terrible
Who are you to label me hateful and foul
You know who you are, don’t you,
You are my reflection, my soul.”
“But we fall silent under the noises of the world
Under the weight of your pride.
You remember the days you smoked
Or have you forgotten that drunken night?
“Have you no memories of that boy
The boy whose lips you desired?
Or has that noon faded away from your mind
When towards the motel you retired?
“Have you no recollection of the dreams of coins
That jewel of white Stones and expensive perfumes
For which you left me ill in despair
You disregarded the Muses and love, I assume.”
“It was my fault, an unintended mistake
Yes, I remember but wasn’t I naive?
You know it was the beginning,
I couldn’t have been so brave.”
“The world is strong, and so its desires
I am not enough to save you from the wild.
I have done what I could have had
I have cautioned you, My child.
“Now it’s you and your choice
To be what you like, compliant or defiant
Though you will have me always
But mostly I will be silent .
“The only one way to keep me alive
Is to tread the path I say
Do not give in to the ways of world
Your words are your way.
“Shut those out who ask you to earn
Leave them who bring you despair.
Your lasting happiness is in this ink
Be conscious of it, be aware.
“Color the paper with spilled ink
Drive meaning into what survive.
Bring to life what otherwise did never exist
Let Muse in you revive.”
With this she was gone
Whom I searched for years.
Leaving me with strengths
Leaving me in fear.
No sister no friend was she I seek
No descend of my family either
But a voice that I had in me
With time which voice had withered.
I sought no dream
I sought no help.
I sought no fairy
I sought myself.